Happy Day!

On weekends, I feel the need to spend as much time as I can with Gracie, to "make up" for the hours I'm at work. Sometimes I chuckle to myself and say, "She's a DOG!" Today would be different. After a gentle, lazy start to the day, I put on my white capris and azure blue tank top, using the hair clip I bought last july in Butchart Gardens (with blue pressed flowers against a white porcelain clip), and wearing the silver and blue chandelier earrings that Sarah brought back for me from Costa Rica. My feet slipped into white flip flops. I picked up the handmade straw bag I bought at the Shrimp Festival last March. Michelle's going shopping.

My premier destination was Beach Seafood for some large pink Gulf shrimp(yummy!). I put a small cooler in the back of my CR-V (weekends, with high traffic coming to the beach, it's near suicide to try and turn left out of Shrimp Boat Lane - I would buy the shrimp first, then head into Town. Beach Seafood always packs with ice, so the delicious pink shrimp will do well in the cooler). I bought 2 lbs. Will there be anything else? I hesitated, as I nearly drooled over the tuna, mahi, grouper, snow crab, king crab. I LOVE seafood... I was like a kid in a candy store. "NO, That'll do it, thanks."
Next stop was Petco. A few days ago, I met a nice young couple on the beach. They were from St. Louis, MO and were here on vacation. I had Gracie with me that evening, and she was the reason that we met. They have a Weimaraner, and "missed her" as she is kenneled while they vacation. Linda and Jason are their names, and they played with Gracie as we chatted. Their Weim is 6 yrs old, so I had a lot to glean from them. One recommendation was a toy called a "kong." This toy has been recommended to me for Gracie, before, but this time, Jason's recommendation came with the reason that Weim's need "work" - they need to be stimulated, and this toy can do that. So... off to Petco to get Gracie a "Kong". Of course, there's not just "A" KONG... there's small, medium , large, extra large, bone shaped, shoe shaped...ad nauseum. I bought one that a figured appropriate for Gracie, and bought several custom sacks of healthy dog treats. What a lucky dog.
Well! Looky here! Petco "just happens to be" in the same shopping plaza as DSW...the mecca of shoe shopping. Gracie has chewed several pairs of shoes...she loves the leather.... and , well... shoe shopping is medicinal. I bought two great pairs of shoes: one pair, a casual "Merrell" sandal, the other a real smart black wedge by Liz Clairborne. I'm so excited!
On to Total Wine, which "just so happens" to be next door to DSW. I bought 2 bottles of red and 2 bottles of white. It's great fun reading all the descriptions, the "choices" the samplings. Again, somewhat like a kid in a candy store.
I decided to stop at Publix on the way home. "never grocery shop on an empty stomach". I know that very well, yet today I disobeyed. Everything looked really, really good. I bought a car load. The majority of my purchases were fresh produce, so that's a good thing. Let's just hope that all this fresh stuff gets eaten, and not spoiled and tossed.
I pulled in to the driveway a few minutes before 5:00. Lauren's car was home, and her boyfriend's truck was here. La was just about to leave for work. The girls gave me a beautiful card, and a CD of Edith Piaf! Happy Mothers' Day!! to me!!
It's been a great day!

A lemonade day

It is a very quiet morning. Like yesterday, I woke without a plan for the day. Yesterday became cleaning day. Gracie made some real messes so I went to Topps and bought some Resolve. While there, I picked up a huge bag of rice to put out for the postal workers' food drive. I also bought a dozen fresh lemons. I squeezed the lemons and made a gallon of delicious lemonade. I shampooed the carpets, conditioned the leather furniture, washed the kitchen floor, cleaned out the refrigerator, did laundry, pruned my rosebushes and repotted some plants. After a hot shower, I sat down with a crisp glass of white bordeaux and salmon and cream cheese and crackers. I then spent several hours at various cruise websites, looking for my Alaskan cruise.
Today is Mothers Day. This is the first mothers day without my mother. My brother and his wife left yesterday for Ireland for two weeks. My youngest brother will probably go to the cemetery and think that I should be there, too. A few weeks ago, I mentioned to my daughters that I would like to rent a pontoon boat out of Fishtale marina and spend the day on the water with the daughters and dogs. Both daughters work today, however, so I guess that's a plan that won't happen.
It's a beautiful beach day. Perhaps I'll make more lemonade and bask in the warm Florida sun.

Can't get the message

I had some very strong dream images that have lingered with me throughout today. Dream experts recommend keeping a dream diary - I've done it at times, not keeping one for a very long time, and not keeping one at this time. I suppose I should begin - again - with more discipline. I have been dreaming a great deal lately, with a great deal of symbolism. The spirit guides, my subconscious mind, the ethers or the "all" ...are trying to tell me something. I suppose if I were keeping a dream diary, last night's dream images would probably be better retained.
I dreamt I was at school - a college or university, i think. I was studying a manual, or workbook of sorts. I had missed the exam, and was cramming with anxiety, and began searching for the professor to plead my case for a make-up. I walked the crowded halls, found myself outside on the steps. I continued down to the lawn, to see my youngest brother's car parked on the grass. I walked to the car, looked inside to see it was empty, and was puzzled by its presence.
I was handed a newspaper, and was asked to read. I opened the page to a series of advertisements of second hand automobiles for sale. My listening audience consisted of the person (unknown in the waking state) who had given me the newspaper, and my two daughters. I read the headers of the ads, which were in a sort of cryptic code or icons.

That is the extent of what i remember. I puzzled over those images all day, to now, with no real grasp to its meaning. School, tests, teachers, automobiles, newspapers... all powerful dream images.. There's some message I'm suppose to get.....

The Time has Come

I woke at 5:45 this morning, took Gracie out for "bizniss" and crawled back in to bed, awaiting the 7:00 alarm. I lay in bed watching the morning sun slit through the window shears, listening to the cardinals and`mockingbirds chorus. I checked my Blackberry and saw an e-mail from one of my councilmembers, sent at 1:20 AM. It was a heads-up on something that was happening first thing this morning, so it was sort of a mixed blessing: I was wondering why I am 'plugged in' 24/7, but grateful to have the opportunity to get a jump on something. I sent a few e-mails, passing along the 'heads-up' as I lay in bed. I put down the phone. I felt well rested, I had a good weekend, my spring flu had disipated to almost nothing. I felt good. Yet I had this unavoidable feeling of dread. I dreaded going in to work, but for no particular reason. What would I like to do, instead, I asked myself. I thought of a number of things, none of which could provide me with my need for health insurance and a regular, reasonable income. Okay, I responded, what is it about your job that you DO like, or that you could change to make it pleasant? I hit a brick wall, a dead end.

I eased out of bed, into the shower and began my morning routine. I knew I had a council meeting at 9:00 AM sharp, with an added duty (courtesy of the 1 am e-mail) that would begin at 8:15. " It will be what you make it" I told myself, as I tried to map my day as I wished it to be, as I appreciated the goodness in my life. I enjoyed the yogurt and bananas breakfast, the warm, stimulating shower. I dressed in a black pencil skirt with a great lace top and cute black sandals. The weekend at the beach gave my bare legs, arms and face a nice golden glow. I felt good. I felt I looked good.

I pedaled up on my new pink beach cruiser, perfect timing to be greeted by the Principal of the Beach Elementary School and twenty or so fifth-graders. This was the Youth Council, my 'added duty'. My councilmember said, "Well! You all get to meet your first Town Staff member!" So I rallied: "HI! I'm Michelle Mayher, your Town Clerk! I'm SO EXCITED to have you all join us today!" I was taken aback by one young student that actually clapped, jumped and shouted, "yay!!" (she was happy to meet me?!!?)

The meeting, the morning and the balance of my work day went well. I did not work late (rare for me) and was home by 5:15. Feeling full from a late lunch, I decided that Gracie and I both needed a good brisk walk. I changed, gathered my cell phone, a bottle of water and poop bags and leashed Gracie and headed out. She LOVES to go 'walking'. There are some issues going on on this island that make it difficult for me to separate Michelle resident from Michelle clerk. It pisses me off. I have to go out of my way to avoid "the perception" of town staff interference. I'm just out walking my dog, but run in to "issues". Gracie and I take a good 2-3 mile walk, but nearly every step of the way I'm met with "issues"; reasons to make me say to myself, "I've been on this island too long" "I need a change" " need something else."

"The time has come," the Walrus said,"To talk of many things:Of shoes--and ships--and sealing-wax--Of cabbages--and kings--And why the sea is boiling hot--And whether pigs have wings."

Bit of a Ramble

"Life is a Page Turner."

"Nothing is Worth More than this Day."

"Life is a Journey, not a Destination."

These are some of the sayings engraved in plaques and jewelry being sold in some of the catalogues I receive in the mail. This smacks in the face of reality in relation to my previous post. I spent yesterday and today pretty much by myself. My younger daughter is home from college for the summer, and she and her boyfriend have been here - in and out - occasional conversations that consisted mostly of brief answers to my intermittent questions. I spent time on the beach, both Saturday for several hours and today a morning walk and late afternoon walk. As always, these afforded brief conversations with passers-by. Aside from Gracie, I have spent the weekend within myself.

I feel somewhat pressured to 'take a vacation' - to take time for myself. We Sagittarians are the zodiacs' adventurers. The other morning, pedaling to work, I passed a man I'd worked with 12 years ago. At the time he was struggling to keep a job - now, I see him frequently being fed and cared for at "God's Table", the local chapel's program for the underpriveleged. "I've been on this island too long" I said to myself.

As I sat on the beach yesterday, I casually asked myself how I could live anywhere other than the warm beaches of south Florida.

As I sat on the beach, I watched couples. I watched couples of all shapes, sizes and ages. It's been a really long time since I've been part of "a couple." Even when I 'technically' was, I wasn't. For so many years, my husband was living somewhat of a double life: carrying on an affair for nearly three years, while carrying on his role as my spouse. I think I would have to go back to 2000... or before....

I've been divorced three and a half years. I watch couples and I wonder. How do they do it? As I watch couples and wonder how they do it, see them strolling the beach holding hands, I wonder: are they so happy together? are they in a new relationship? ..are they trying to save a failing relationship? I see myself sitting alone on the beach. I am beginning to yearn.

As I type this, I am watching a special on Yellowstone National Park. I happened to catch a piece on the hardships of winter and early spring. Footage shows a thawing, raging river. The narrator says, "For the young bison, it's a daunting task; but for those who survive, there are rewards ahead."

I know this has been a bit of a ramble, but it typifies my state of mind. I woke this morning from a dream of having been in an antique shop. I was looking over the merchandise, I was with loved ones, although I can't say now who they were. Of note, in the shop, I picked up two items that I here, now, have trouble describing. They were swords. One experienced in swords would know what they are called, I do not. The swords had the handles and then a circular 'cuff' that protected the handle and then proceeded to the blade. It was pointed out to me, (in the dream) and I was very aware that these two swords were Sterling Silver, and stamped as such. In my waking state and considering this dream image, it brings me to thinking of the Ace of Swords, in the Tarot deck. This represents the power of a directed mind, indicating an ability to center one's conscious mind.

Life and Time

Yesterday morning I began filling out "requests for leave" slips. I have a few dentist appointments coming up, so I put in for sick leave. I also knew I wanted to attend a Mass for a recently deceased friend that was scheduled for this morning, so I began to submit a request for four hours' personal time. That prompted me to question my personal time: in addition to sick and vacation time, we are given 8 hours' birthday time and 8 hours' personal time. A few years ago, the personnel policy was changed to require personal and b'day time to be taken by the end of the fiscal year (or lose it). My birthday is the end of November, and I usually take my b'day and personal day together, around Thanksgiving. However, when the policy changed, I missed taking my time by the end of the fiscal year...so last November (2008) I don't know whether I took my FY 08 or FY 09 days.... So I checked with our accounting coordinator... she would have to look it up... by the way, I asked, can you please give me a tally of my accrued sick and vacation time....? She was quick to oblige... I had 250 hours of vacation time.... the new policy also says, any time in excess of 240 hours is lost at the end of the fiscal year. What the heck, I said... so I put in for 8 hours' vacation time for today (it seemed silly to return to work on a Friday afternoon, anyway).

I had a nice chat with our finance director (who also handles HR). She's a very smart, very kind woman. She told me my priorties are all wrong. At the end of the day, she said, all of this work will still be here. If you get hit by a bus tomorrow someone else will come in and do your job. You need to put Michelle first. I surprised myself at how her comments brought me close to tears. Was it so obvious?! You only live once, she said. Do you really want to be on your deathbed, saying, 'I should have taken that vacation!' ?

This morning I attended a Mass of Christian burial for a woman who was 38 years old. She was killed in an auto accident. She had no spouse or children, but left a very close-knit family and a large network of friends. So sad. The irony, or incongruity came to light as I sat in the church, listening to the pastor talk about death of the body and birth of the soul. How our faith gives us birth to a new life. I heard the words, "you only live once." I heard the words, "everyone wants to go to Heaven, but noone wants to die." My mind said, "I want to die" before I had a chance to grab that thought and contain it. I am happy in my life, yet I know that there is happiness in the 'after' life. My mind wandered from the pastor's sermon. At 54, how have I lived this life? What lies ahead for me? Am I making the best use of this life I've been given?

God is a Rose

i made reference earlier, that I thought God was a Rose. It reminded me of a couple of songs. One I learned in high school chorus: "God is Love. And he who, abides in Love, abides in God. and God in him." Then I am reminded of another song: "Love is a rose, but you'd better not pick it, only grows if its on the vine.."
So for me to say, I believe that God is a Rose is a culmination of those thoughts: God is a Rose.