Sunday, May 3, 2009

Bit of a Ramble

"Life is a Page Turner."
"Nothing is Worth More than this Day."
"Life is a Journey, not a Destination."
These are some of the sayings engraved in plaques and jewelry being sold in some of the catalogues I receive in the mail. This smacks in the face of reality in relation to my previous post. I spent yesterday and today pretty much by myself. My younger daughter is home from college for the summer, and she and her boyfriend have been here - in and out - occasional conversations that consisted mostly of brief answers to my intermittent questions. I spent time on the beach, both Saturday for several hours and today a morning walk and late afternoon walk. As always, these afforded brief conversations with passers-by. Aside from Gracie, I have spent the weekend within myself.

I feel somewhat pressured to 'take a vacation' - to take time for myself. We Sagittarians are the zodiacs' adventurers. The other morning, pedaling to work, I passed a man I'd worked with 12 years ago. At the time he was struggling to keep a job - now, I see him frequently being fed and cared for at "God's Table", the local chapel's program for the underpriveleged. "I've been on this island too long" I said to myself.

As I sat on the beach yesterday, I casually asked myself how I could live anywhere other than the warm beaches of south Florida.

As I sat on the beach, I watched couples. I watched couples of all shapes, sizes and ages. It's been a really long time since I've been part of "a couple." Even when I 'technically' was, I wasn't. For so many years, my husband was living somewhat of a double life: carrying on an affair for nearly three years, while carrying on his role as my spouse. I think I would have to go back to 2000... or before....

I've been divorced three and a half years. I watch couples and I wonder. How do they do it? As I watch couples and wonder how they do it, see them strolling the beach holding hands, I wonder: are they so happy together? are they in a new relationship? ..are they trying to save a failing relationship? I see myself sitting alone on the beach. I am beginning to yearn.

As I type this, I am watching a special on Yellowstone National Park. I happened to catch a piece on the hardships of winter and early spring. Footage shows a thawing, raging river. The narrator says, "For the young bison, it's a daunting task; but for those who survive, there are rewards ahead."

I know this has been a bit of a ramble, but it typifies my state of mind. I woke this morning from a dream of having been in an antique shop. I was looking over the merchandise, I was with loved ones, although I can't say now who they were. Of note, in the shop, I picked up two items that I here, now, have trouble describing. They were swords. One experienced in swords would know what they are called, I do not. The swords had the handles and then a circular 'cuff' that protected the handle and then proceeded to the blade. It was pointed out to me, (in the dream) and I was very aware that these two swords were Sterling Silver, and stamped as such. In my waking state and considering this dream image, it brings me to thinking of the Ace of Swords, in the Tarot deck. This represents the power of a directed mind, indicating an ability to center one's conscious mind.

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